DATING TALK 1

DATING TALK 1

 

It starts with self:

 

1. Gain better understanding of love (4 types)

 

AGAPE - Divine Love

-Most important of the four loves as it is the condition of salvation - "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind..." (Luke 10:27)

-It is a voluntary act...not a feeling.

-Giving of self for the good of the beloved without conditions...unconditional love.

-You give of self for the betterment of the one you love...not indiscriminately.

- Example: a couple that has been married 25 years or more...been through a lot of good and bad together...loving each other even when it was not fun...thus providing themselves with a peace, a glow to their marriage.

- Children help draw a married couple into the self giving of agape love.

 

PHILIA - Friendship Love

- St. Augustine held this to be the highest of the 3 human loves (with Agape being divine)

- Sharing common interests

- Moderation is the key to a lasting friendship - It will be crushed like  a flower if clung to too tightly...and wither when neglected.  The friendship will encounter difficultly when smothered.

- A friend is there for others in their time of need.

- Married people and dating couples do not need to do everything together (as time with other friends/family provides growth and can bring a higher interest level to the relationship), but a good amount of common interests should be there.   (Like attracts like...not opposites attract.)

- The friendship should be deep in married couples...being able to share deepest thoughts, desires, feelings, hopes, and fears.  (Sharing these things takes a great deal of trust...which is built upon throughout the relationship...so therefore, do not share things of this nature on the 3rd date.  Reveal them in time.)

- There should be a mutual respect and support for each other...staying on the same wavelength.

- If there is a fear of rejection, the conversation and deeper exchange in intimacy will not flow.

- Those who meditate a great deal in prayer, who are comfortable in silence and need not have the radio or television going at all times, who read (especially spiritual books) are generally  much more prepared for intimacy than those who do not do these things.  This displays why religion is so important in a potential spouse.  Practicing religion helps prepare people for intimacy, which gives love its depth.

- Share of intimacy does not occur by watching a movie or television together.   It generally has a better environment when going out to eat together in a quieter portion of a restaurant...taking a walk on the beach together...or other activities that provide room for genuine conversation.

- Raising children will take the agape love and apply it into friendship love.

- Some of the best marriages start with friendship...which removes the tremendous pressure modern dating puts on couples....which modern dating is now proving statistically to be a preparation for divorce rather than marriage!

 

STORGE - Affection

- Often called familial love because it commonly occurs among family members...but it is important in courtship as well due to it being a tenderness, a gentle caring for someone.

- Affection is expressed in many ways: a hug, a tender kiss on the lips, the cheek, or forehead.  It can also be a tender smile, a gentle touch on the arm, hand, or hair.

- In modern society, this seems to be lost...good, selfless, chaste-affection is often replaced with a selfish approach, manipulation, or a cold/sterile encounter.

- At the appropriate times, this a great way to communicate love...and sometimes the only way.

- Couples that engage in pre-marital intercourse often have a harder time with genuine affection later on should they get married.  A man that is engaging in sex before marriage (instead of developing other ways of sharing affection) will often see kissing or touching as an introduction to sexual intercourse.

- Husbands and wives need to be able to hug, kiss, and touch without it being a gateway to sexual activity.

- Moving slowly in sharing affection is usually indicative of giving, honoring, and serving the beloved.  Moving rapidly or touching more intensely is usually indicative of seeking, and pleasing/serving the self.

- Our world today has a hedonistic attitude stating, "If it feels good, do it."  It can also lend itself to excessiveness, even compulsion.  This is not the Christian way.  The Christian element would be enjoying something for the moment, then forgetting about it...to enjoy something without becoming attached to it.  In other words, we should not desire any thing or person outside God to the point that one cannot be happy without it.  (St. Francis of Assisi would only see St. Clare once a year...b/c he enjoyed their friendship, but didn't want to depend on it for his happiness.)

- Example: a girl you are dating says she likes when you affectionately touch her face...so, you do so at appropriate times in moderation.  Also, if someone says to not do something, then respect their wishes.

 

EROS - Emotional Love

- To be well pleased by someone or something, to like very much.

- In courtship, this means infatuation, the emotional attraction for another which seems, but is not, uncontrollable.

- Plato referred to eros as the interior force that attracts man toward everything good, true, and beautiful.

- This is the strongest emotional feeling of attraction short of a mystical experience.  It is being "in love."

- Freud mistakingly placed eros as merely sexual desire...this is not accurate as sexual desire plays a part of eros, but is not the whole element.  It is primarily personal.  One desires to possess the whole person, not just the body...thus, making it far more powerful than sexual attraction.

- The purpose of this love is most likely that it is a catalyst for marriage...which helps couples overcome hesitancy in making the lifelong commitment of marriage.

- Hollywood portrays this as the main proponent towards marriage...but the results show that this is not the main ingredient in maintaining a successful marriage.

- CS Lewis pointed that if one makes a god out of eros, it will become a demon and destroy you  Eros is not God...it is not infinite / everlasting.

- If you know how finite this god-imitating love is, and realize you don't need to surrender to it whenever it pops up, you will avoid lots of misery.

- When it is shared with a spouse in understanding for what it is, it can be very sweet.

- Emotional love fades in any relationship for two reasons:  First, it thrives on mystery...and mystery fades on familiarity.  Second, as a human love, it is limited and needs to be nourished and sustained by divine love.  If it is not divinized, it will die as all human things do.

- The best way to keep emotional love alive is by growing and enriching oneself in virtue and knowledge...thereby preserving some mystery in the relationship  Second, by practicing agape.

- Feelings to show or display this love should be done in a reasonable, constructive way...be it verbally or physically.

- Passionate acts signify something much deeper than a feeling.  They symbolize commitment, exclusiveness, and a total gift of self.